[ILLUMINATI MEETING MINUTES]

ILLUMINATI MEETING MINUTES

AUGUST 1, 2013

BOARD MEMBERS PRESENT

Paul Giamatti, Chairperson

Ezra Koenig, Vice Chairman

Art Garfunkel, Treasurer

Lucifer, Secretary

Janelle Monae, Funk Director

Nicki Minaj, Satanic Consultant

Sasha Obama, Intern

Donald Trump, [Just Kidding]

CALL TO ORDER

Chairperson Giamatti attempted to open the meeting at 9:00PM in the employee break room of an Atlanta-based Golden Corral, found scent of leftover spiral ham too tempting, proposed locale change. Motion: Chris Christie; Seconded: Art Garfunkel; Approved: Unanimously by Obese, Jewish Coalitions.

Meeting moved to Giamatti’s Dodge Caravan. Members continued to complain of ham scent. Said Giamatti, “Should’ve gone with leather upholstery.” After explaining scent was of “many hams ago,” Chairperson Giamatti officially opened meeting at 9:17PM.

SECRETARY’S MINUTES

Minutes of July 25^th read. Ben Bernanke objected to portion asserting he is a Pisces. Later determined that Bernanke misheard account of plans to orchestrate future financial crises. Following clear up, minutes accepted. Motion: Kathy Lee Gifford; Seconded: Alf; Approved: Unanimously.

TREASURER’S REPORT

Treasurer Garfunkel proposed bake sale to increase funding for upcoming fall foliage tour, citing rising gas prices. Said intern, Sasha, “Daddy knows a sheik or two; I’ll make some calls.” Asked Chairperson Giamatti, “Can there still be baked goods?” Motion: Giamatti; Seconded: Giamatti; Approved: Giamatti, claiming “executive privilege.”

CHAIRMAN’S REPORT

Chairperson Giamatti announced the birth of Prince George Alexander Louis Mountbatten-Windsor, adding that room needed to be made in the club in the coming years to welcome the newborn. Offered Former President George W. Bush, “Kanye’s gettin’ pretty lippy lately.” Motion: Mike Myers; Second: Lucifer; Approved: Majority (22-1).

MUSIC CAUCUS’S REPORT

Vice Chairman Koenig questioned the lack of triangles on the front of Jay Z’s new album. Rebutted Z, “Go back to Park Slope, sweater vest. You ever been shot at?” Koenig declined further debate.

  

MEDIA CAUCUS’S REPORT

Rupert Murdoch asked at what point War on Women focus should shift to War on Christmas. Rush Limbaugh interrupted, denying existence of War on Women, was asked to leave minivan. Rachel Maddow proposed to hold off War on Christmas until after election season, with Wall Street “Fat Cats” coverage in the interim. Motion: Winklevoss Twins; Second: Nick Kroll; Approved: Unanimously.

POLITICAL CAUCUS’S REPORT

Former President Bush and Secretary of State John Kerry issued respective reports of Skull n’ Bones’ recent Deer Island retreat. Kerry complained of the fading glory of the once-opulent, WASP-y retreat. Bush assured, “The coke’s still crisp.” Though he added, “If only Bones was coed in the sixties, then I’d have been Magog.”

Asked Giamatti, “Why wasn’t I invited?” Kerry quickly motioned to adjourn. Motion: Kerry; Second: Bush; Approved: Unanimously.

Meeting adjourned at 10:15PM.

Next Meeting: August 8, 2013, 9:00PM at the Area 51 Holiday Inn Express conference room. Attendees are reminded to bring baked goods, carpool.