[EXTREME COUGAR WIVES] {Recap}

     Conservatively, I’d estimate that ninety-nine percent of America watched The Learning Channel’s jarring documentary series “Extreme Cougar Wives” last night. So, to the ignorant one percent whose fingers are not on the pulse of American sociopolitical culture, I offer this comprehensive summary.

     The first, most repulsive and easily exploitable couple we’re introduced to is comprised of Jane (58) and Andrew (27).

Extreme Cougar Jane is simple to characterize. If you’ve ever made a clay representation of an Amish woman, you’ve seen Extreme Cougar Jane. If your eighth grade math teacher used a faulty teleportation machine with a gopher and came out looking like the middle stage of an Animorph, you’ve seen Extreme Cougar Jane.

Andrew is more enigmatic. His garb ranges from Cal Tech Ph.D. to Civil War reenactor to punk rock bagpiper. All the while, from the neck up, he maintains a steam-punk image, making one wonder not if, but how many times he was molested as a child.  

Extreme Cougar Jane explains her affinity for younger men, saying, “They have a lot of energy and enthusiasm,” which is aptly demonstrated by one shot of Andrew twirling an old-timey flag followed by several shots of him feeding the couple’s six “transgender” chickens. A sick and twisted few might sense a forced innuendo with the montage of cocks. However, I simply think the producers wanted to share with the audience that they, too, are on the fence about whether or not Andrew is Autistic.

Naturally, the couple met during an adult education course. As Andrew describes, an immediate romantic spark ignited after Extreme Cougar Jane (then known only as Jane), “complimented me on my bolo tie,” which he was conveniently wearing for the taping. The bolo tie of focus was, of course, scrimshaw, proving that only Andrew can take an absurdly outdated fashion and make it even more absurdly outdated.

Over a particularly symbolic pedicure (see above photo), the couple makes the completely responsible and totally rational decision to adopt a foster child (“baby cub”), whom they can “teach history,” and presumably dress up like a Victorian doll. This introduces the A-story of the episode, during which an adoption consultant, Renee, visits their home and voices her concerns with the sheer volume of weaponry the couple owns, noting, “There’s a cannon in the driveway.”

A line is crossed when, upon learning of the couple’s chicken stockpile, Renee brings up the foggy poultry clause of the adoption guidelines and Andrew second-guesses the entire idea. So, for sparing the world of one more Civil War reenactor/Marine Biology major, I present to you, Renee, the Arthur Fonzarelli Award for the Jock-ification of America (also known as a Golden Fonzie).      

Next comes Extreme Cougar Loma (70), a charismatic black woman with a sassy case of Peter Pan syndrome. She loves wigs and cheetah print (as it pertains to her underwear) and she is definitely not over the hill no matter what people say. She describes herself as, “born sexy,” thus distinguishing herself from others who, “go to the surgeon and buy them some surgeon sexy.” Unfortunately, none of that sexiness manifests itself in her sunken seventy-year-old-lady face. The only feature she’s retained from her “sexy” birth might just be baldness.

Extreme Cougar Loma must prepare for a double blind date with her granddaughter, Kamelah, who inherited from her grandmother the apparently dominant gene that causes one to wear dark bras and white blouses. The two get “dolled up” in newly purchased Goodwill articles and meet their dates at the Iron Cactus restaurant.

Kamelah’s date attempts aesthetic trickery (i.e. gauges, satanic tattoos, hair art, a polka dot shirt) in an attempt to distract from a skin tag on the back of his head that the cinematographer did everything in his/her power to illuminate and showcase. Extreme Cougar Loma’s date, Larius, is at a crossroads between fruit blind and fame whore. His post-date assessment of Loma is that he “thought she was gorgeous.” The past tense is an important tell, though, as he shimmies around an invitation to a birthday party at a club the next day. Nonetheless, Larius unwillingly makes an appearance at the club, where, judging by his white t-shirt and suit vest, he is scheduled to perform magic tricks.           

Lastly, we’re introduced to Sheri (50) and Desmond (26). Extreme Cougar Sheri is a moderately wealthy white woman dressed like an extra from the Step Up franchise with a serious case of jungle fever. Desmond knows that. He does his best to confess his sexual deviancy to his mother and wife-up Extreme Cougar Sheri simultaneously at a Baptist Church. The plan ends half-successfully, as he stands to inherit Sheri’s gold hoop earring collection in time to retire, but will be unable to father creepy, fedora-adorned offspring and pass on his now-muddied legacy.

Those with the forethought to DVR network television’s Halley’s Comet, “Extreme Cougar Wives,” kudos. To the rest, I can only hope this recap can begin to suffice.