[FREUDSTYLE RAP]

EXT.  FRAT HOUSE – SPRING WEEKEND

NARRATOR

Alas, there were two legacy students and only one remaining ticket for tonight’s Macklemore concert. The two must determine who’s going to pop some tags and who’s not going to regret their misguided musical taste in ten years’ time.

TUCKER

Let’s settle this on the [squash] court.

HARRY

I’ve got a better idea: let’s rap battle.

DJ

[Air horn], [air horn], [extended air horn], [eagle scream], [sped up Macy Gray sample], [Dean Scream], [Ariel Castro sound bite], [bass drop].

HYPE MAN

[Inaudible] … Rap … [Inaudible] … [Grunt].

DJ KHALED

DJ Khaled.   

HARRY

♫ Call me Har Mar ‘cause I’m a ghetto superstar/Put yo bitch in the back of my V8 …

HYPE MAN

Car.

HARRY

She a baboon with a banana when she near my dick/Like me in sixth grade when I sucked off my friend, Nick. ♫

[Record scratch, music stops]

TUCKER

Wait. What was that?

HARRY

She’s like a baboon with a banana, yada, yada, yada.

TUCKER

No, the second line. What was it?

HARRY

I don’t know what I’m saying; this shit’s right from my dome.

TUCKER

You’re right. Sorry.

HARRY

Pick it up.

[Music resumes] 

HARRY

♫ So much chrome on my Lexus, all the bitches be blinded/Nick fondled my balls and I didn’t even mind it. ♫

[Music stops, Hype Man mic drops, leaves]

TUCKER

There it is again!

HARRY

Yeah, even I heard it that time.

TUCKER

What is wrong with you? Enough with the gay shit.

HARRY

I don’t know how to stop it. It’s, like, subconscious or something.

TUCKER

Talk about non-sex stuff; something safe, like pop culture.

HARRY

Here it goes.

[Music resumes]

HARRY

♫ Tina Fey’s kinda funny; you know I ain’t joshing/When my roommate ain’t home, I image search Ryan Gosling. ♫

DJ

[Changes track to “Same Love”]

HILLARY CLINTON

I’m Hillary Clinton and I approve this sketch.

NARRATOR

Clinton 2016: Because heterosexual relationships aren’t perfect either.